We have some tough news: everybody dies at some point. We know, we know—take a moment if you need. 😆
Yes, it’s true: death is, perhaps, the one big common denominator that truly unites us all. If you’re lucky enough to live a long and healthy life, then you’ll also have the privilege of getting old, and weathering all the changes that come with age. Either way, mortality is a reality that all of us have to face—both our own mortality and that of our loved ones.
But if these experiences are so universal, why are women the main ones who have to deal with their fallout?
The Caregiving Gap
It’s no secret that most domestic labour is done by women. Around the world, on average, girls and women perform 3.2 times more unpaid care work than men do. That includes all kinds of labour, from cooking and cleaning to taking care of family members. And the disparity is only poised to get worse in places like Canada, where many Gen X and Millennial women find themselves “sandwiched” between two vulnerable generations: young children on the one hand, and aging parents on the other. We’re putting women in an impossible tug-of-war between their careers, their day-to-day family obligations, and their caregiving duties.
And the work doesn’t stop at caregiving. When loved ones pass away, more often than not, women are the ones who are tasked with making arrangements and dealing with their Estates. That means acting as Executor, planning funerals, cleaning out and selling old houses, and more.
All of this is time-consuming, emotionally depleting, and often physically demanding work, which comes without compensation and sometimes without much thanks. In our culture, we see women as caretakers and secretaries by default—so we don’t give it much thought when our female relatives are stuck with these difficult jobs.
The Mental Load of Care Work
We regret to inform you that the gender imbalances don’t end there. When it comes to Aging & End of Life Planning, there’s another major area where women suffer disproportionately: mental load. When families don’t have a cohesive plan to navigate Aging & End of Life together, most often, that just means that female relatives—mothers, wives, sisters, daughters—end up having to plan out everybody’s daily lives for them. That means remembering appointments for young children AND for aging parents; making sure Granddad has taken his medicine AND getting lunch packed for the school day; researching assisted living facilities when Grandma’s needs start to escalate; and more.
Again—we’re so used to having women take care of our needs that some family members may not even realize the amount of labour that goes into all of this. But beyond requiring a whole lot of time and energy, this kind of responsibility is mentally exhausting. It’s an immense emotional and cognitive burden for one person to bear every day. And yet, that’s the reality for so many women in Canada and beyond.
Sounds unfair, doesn’t it? That’s why, in honour of International Women’s Month, we’re writing this blog post to say: It’s time for this to change!
Planning A Better Future
There’s no reason for women to take on this labour by themselves—especially during times when they, themselves, are often grieving or processing major changes in their lives. They deserve the support of their loved ones, emotionally and logistically.
No more leaning back and assuming that if you don’t talk about the problem, your mom/your wife/your sister will “just take care of it.” And to all the women who have had these responsibilities dumped on their shoulders: you don’t have to do this on your own!
A little bit of Aging & End of Life Planning can make all the difference here. Imagine if our culture normalized talking about death, about getting older, about facing serious illness or accidents. Imagine if everybody had a solid Aging & End of Life Plan in place to guide them through loss and major life transitions. That would be a better society for everybody. It wouldn’t just spare women the unfair burden of Aging & End of Life Planning; it would also create families that are more resilient and more prepared to face adversity together.
We’re living through turbulent times. Women’s rights have come a long way in the past several decades—but we have to keep defending those rights, and keep fighting for true equality. That work starts by challenging sexist norms within our own circles, including our families.
